The Butterfly Effect...
I graduate tomorrow inshallah...With today being Eid, my hijri birthday, and the eve of my graduation naturally I feel as though there is no better time than now to reflect on my life thus far, what I hope God accepts as good from me, what I hope God forgives of my shortcomings, and what parts of my personality I still need to rectify if I wish to obtain God's Mercy.
I remember when I was in the local community college I had finally figured out what I wanted to do, I was acing all of my classes, and I was confident that I was on the right track in life. I was introduced to this guy who had been going to the community college for nearly 5 years and still wasnt too sure what he wanted to major in and anyone who knows me could probably guess that I gave the guy a hard time.
"Are you serious? You've been in school how long? At a COMMUNITY COLLEGE?"
After I left the guy I had this weird feeling inside me that made me feel real uncomfortable about what I had done. Though I didnt embarrass the guy in front of people and my conversation with him was private, I truly think that I made him feel really terrible. A short time after that I myself began to doubt what I was doing in school and so began my grueling 7 year career in college where I went through 5 majors and tons of money.
I look back at that day I made that guy feel bad about his time in school and I have to ask myself "did my arrogance with that guy cause me to have such a tough time in college or was it some kind of self fulfilled prophecy?"
Theres to ways that I can look at this incident: The first way is the way that Rabiah al Basriyyah ra, the great Zahida from the early muslimeen, looked at a hardship she went through. Once she tripped and fell and injured herself and when people went to see if she was ok they found her getting up laughing. The people around her asked her if she was crazy and she replied that when she felt the pain of the fall it reminded her of the promise of Allah that he will remove the sins from the believer when they go through any injury.
The second way to look at the incident is through the incident of the people of the Garden from Surah Qalam. Those people had a garden which they would cultivate and they loved and they
decided that they would gather their fruit in the morning, but they didnt want to give the fruit to any needy person. They came upon their garden and they found that Allah swt had destroyed their garden and they realized that they had indeed done wrong and transgressed. They then asked ALlah swt for forgiveness and then Allah swt says "Such is the Punishment (in this life); but greater is the Punishment in the Hereafter,- if only they knew!"
Was it a purification of my sins? A punishment for my evil actions? Or Both?
Now I look at the past few months and I see that my relationship with Allah swt has definitely been on the decline. I have not been consistent nor have I met the level of iman that I was at no less than a year ago. Of course faith is not a static thing and it goes up and down, but lately my downs have gone down lower than I have ever been and I havent been as urgent in trying to get my iman back up. I look at how Allah swt has responded to me and I see that plans which I made which I feel were great plans have disintegrated. I was certain that something was good for me and my deen and my istikhara had yielded a really positive response yet Allah swt took me away from something which I felt was beneficial and took it away from me in the most abrupt and confusing fashion.
What this again a purification for my soul? Was Allah swt punishing me for my inconsistency?
I have concluded that my inconsistency and lack of desire to develop a stronger relationship with my Creator has led to certain totally confusing things taking place within the last month and I am determined to change myself. Of course that is why you ask Allah for guidance and I have trust in Him that if I strive to please Him he will grant me the best in this life and the next, but I am not totally sold that my istikhara is the reason why I am left without getting what I thought was best for me, I think it might be a punishment for the injustices which I committed against myself and did not seriously try to seek expiation from.
May Allah swt forgive me and make easy for me my ascension to maqaamaat closer to Him. May Allah swt grant me that which is best for me and my deen and bring it close to me, and keep far away from me that which takes me away from Him. May Allah swt grant barakah in my life and make me among those whom He loves...ameen
posted by Iboo LaL @ 8:24 PM
Comments: 3
